Time Lords Really Can't Hold Their Liquor
by crimsonpuddle
Summary: Title says it all. Jack comes across a LOT of alcohol, and joins the Doctor, Rose, Martha and Donna in a dangerous game of 'I Never'. And sure enough, a change of subject is soon required. Set in Journey's End; pure crack. Shipping DRose. No spoilers.


**Disclaimer: Even though this should totally have happened, they wouldn't let me slide it in. All b****ecause I don't own the show and have nothing to do with them. Darn.**

A/N: Uh... yeah. Pure crack with _lots _of drinking. Jack finds alcohol, the Doctor finds out just how unstable his metabolism is, an awkward game is played, and a change of subject is required, fast. Set in Journey's End, maybe... Or just some random made-up episode where these five happen to be together. Because this is an OT5 made of win. (The 'main characters' were based on who is the most sober.)

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**Time Lords Really Can't Hold Their Liquor**

Laughter and shrieks of joy filled the room as the group settled down at the table, slamming glasses on the surface, and pouring into them many mysterious liquids, originating from goodness knows where, though gratefully located by one Captain Jack Harkness.

Donna, hands shaking from her uncontrollable giggling, was overcome by another surge of hysterics, and a wave of blue alcoholic liquid flew to the floor from the bottle she was holding.

Martha merely laughed more at this and pointed, spluttering, unable to speak, to the spot where the Doctor had now collapsed with laughter in the bright blue puddle on the floor. His own bottle of purple liquid (which was rapidly changing colour to orange) was grasped firmly in his hands.

Rose, red-faced from trying to hold in her giggles, had managed to sit down at the small kitchen table at last, and was filling her glass to the brim with a pale green liquor whilst trying - and failing - to steady her breath.

Jack walked back over to the group, his arms laden with different shaped and sized bottles, and dumped them down on the now crowded table. He pulled up a chair, grinning mischievously.

Moments later, Donna had slid into a chair and given up pouring her own drink due to her inability to sit up straight without falling over. Rose had taken over, grinning and snorting as the liquid flew across the table. Martha had fallen, giggling, into a chair and was holding herself upright mainly by clutching at the sides of the table. Jack was pouring out a mixture of all the bottles on the table into his large - and almost full to the brim - tankard. Meanwhile, the Doctor had unsteadily found his way onto the chair in between Rose and Martha, and was spluttering with continuous giggles. Rose suddenly found herself pouring numerous people's drinks at once, whilst simultaneously pushing the Doctor's head up each time it lolled onto her shoulder, and trying to hold her laughter in but still managing to spill a vast amount of liquid over the tiled floor.

"Right then." Jack breathed out, taking a swig from his multi-coloured drinks mixture after the laughter had calmed ever so slightly, and spluttering as he choked. "What now?"

"Truth or Dare." Martha suggested with a hiccup, and the occupants of the table groaned. The Doctor let his head fall once more towards Rose's shoulder and she nudged it up with a grin.

"He really can't hold his liquor." Jack stated, raising his eyebrows with amusement at the drunk Time Lord. "Unlike some people." He gave a toothy grin and Donna smiled back at him drunkenly, while Martha studied the label on her bottle with avid concentration.

"'M not - not surprised!" Rose chuckled, with the slightest of slurs and a small hiccup. "Wha' d'you give 'im?" She picked up the Doctor's glass to investigate the small amount of liquid it held, which was now a light pink in colour, but the Doctor grasped it from her wordlessly and drained the remaining drops, before clutching her arm with a yelp as he almost fell sideways of his chair. Jack merely grinned and shrugged.

"Twister!" Donna yelled out suddenly, and all eyes turned to her. "We... should play Twister." she concluded, pointing a finger down firmly on the table as if this solved the matter. She was, however, ignored.

Jack's eyes lit up. "How about -"

"No." Rose said immediately, pouring the last drops of - what she assumed was - wine into her glass, and he pouted.

"I never finished." said Jack.

"No, bu' I can tell it's gonna be somethin' that starts with 'naked'." she grinned back, and the Doctor, now sitting upright in his chair, chortled with her.

Donna leant forwards across the table, and opened her mouth as if about to suggest something, but her eyes widened with surprise, and she slipped sideways off her chair before she'd had a chance to speak. She cackled as Jack reached down and pulled her up, but slumped back into her chair without another word, and returned her attention to her drink.

"What 'bout 'I Never'?" asked Martha, a childish grin spreading on her face.

"What's that?" Rose asked, slumping back into her chair and raising her glass to her lips, only to have it taken from her and drunk by the Doctor. Seeming not to have noticed anything, she poured herself another drink, and then poured another glass of the colour-changing liquid into a glass for the Doctor.

Martha smiled. "We used to play it at Uni. Basically, someone says somethin' that they haven't ever done; then you go 'round the table, an' you take a drink if you _have_ done it, an' you _don't _'ave a drink if you 'aven't."

Murmurs of agreement came from Rose and Donna, with an excited "Yeah!" from Jack, and a vacant mumble from the Doctor.

"'Kay." Martha said, seeming more awake now the games had begun. "Well, I've never... been to Disneyland." she finished. "Doctor?"

Rose nudged the Doctor, who seemed to have fallen asleep on her shoulder, and he opened his eyes with a grunt. Rose muttered an explanation in his ear and he turned to Martha, astounded.

"You never been t' Disneylan'?" he slurred, almost incoherently. "Know where 'm takin' you next." He took a swig from his - now fluorescent green - drink in reply and looked to Rose, who also drank from her glass with a chuckle.

Donna didn't, with an explanatory "Couldn't 'ford it." and Jack drank almost the entire contents of his tankard in one go.

"Fifteen times." he said proudly, and Martha and Donna spluttered with laughter.

"Doctor? Your turn." Martha poked the Doctor, who had slumped back in his chair and closed his eyes again. He didn't respond, and Martha prodded him again, this time more forcefully, and his body twisted, out of his control, as he slipped off the chair and fell in a heap on the floor at Rose's feet.

"Mmmm…" he began, trying to lift himself off the floor by clutching onto Rose's sleeve and pulling her down too. "I've never... tried this stuff before." he finished lamely as Rose helped him up, laughing, then sat back down and examined the now yellow liquid in his tankard. "It's disgustin'." he added, but took another swig regardless.

This time, no one drunk from their glasses except for Jack, who drunk the last of his with a smirk. "You'll regret it tomorrow, Doc." he muttered, as everyone turned to Rose in anticipation.

"Uh... I've never... I dunno, watched The Lion King." she shrugged, and the Doctor turned to her with a look of shock and horror.

"We're rentin' that t'morrow." he stated, taking a further swig of his murky brown substance, and reaching slyly for Rose's half-full glass of turquoise liquid, only to have his hand slapped away by the amused but vaguely annoyed Rose.

"Yeah, if you can remember anything." Jack chuckled to himself almost inaudibly.

Everyone drank from their glasses this round, and the Doctor finished his drink off, refilling it carefully, with his tongue poking out between his lips in concentration, though most of the suddenly transparent liquid spilt onto the table anyway.

Donna sighed lazily. "I've... never slept with an alien." she decided on, and Jack scoffed, pouring his nearly full drink down his throat and reaching for a bottle of thick, dark red alcohol. Martha laughed but didn't feel the need to respond herself.

"Well, _I_ 'aven't!" she said indignantly after a pause, offended by anyone assuming she might have done, and she looked at the Doctor, who was close to finishing off his newly poured drink already.

"Now, tha's not fair..." he slurred, and the rest of the group stifled their laughter at his vacant, yet troubled, expression. "D'you mean... d'you mean non-humans, or non-Time Lords?" he murmured, and (as Donna now seemed half-asleep and was snoring contently) Martha answered with "Non-Time Lords!", to which he paused before drinking. Martha, not knowing whether to take this as a 'yes', or a 'need another drink', just looked on at Rose, who's face was quickly growing a delicate shade of pink, an embarrassed heat inching up to her cheeks.

Donna slipped slightly from her chair, and Jack pushed her back up lazily. "Whozzair?" she asked around groggily, but everyone was gazing at Rose, who's cheeks were now tinged a blotchy red. At this point, her eyes flew open and she seemed to remember where she was and what was happening.

"You haven't?" Martha asked Rose disbelievingly, her mouth turning slowly from an 'O' of surprise to a wide grin. Rose didn't answer, just lifted her glass to her lips and took a long, slow drink. Martha and Donna gaped, both now suddenly more alert. "Who?!"

Martha looked at Jack expectantly, and Donna to the Doctor, who had fallen back onto Rose's shoulder with his eyes closed. Jack held his arms up in a surrendering pose, claiming "I'm from a different cent'ry, not a different planet!" and Martha turned wide-eyed to the Doctor and Rose, who she now noticed were clutching each other's hands underneath the table.

"No... way." Donna breathed out, her face alight with a mixture of amusement, disbelief and shock.

"You're kiddin'?!" Martha added Rose, astounded.

"What - you finally got together?" Jack asked after taking a quick drink from his glass, and Rose grinned sheepishly. "When?"

"Never min' when," Donna interrupted quickly. "How'd it happen?"

"Wha' happened afterwards?" Martha added.

"How many times?" Jack asked mischievously.

"What was it like?" Donna grinned.

Rose gaped speechlessly with her eyebrows raised, and then looked down at the Doctor, who was leaning groggily on her shoulder, suit in disarray, hair ruffled up beyond measure, mouth half-open, and dribbling on her top like one of the undead. She smiled fondly, glanced at her friends' inquiring glances, looked down at the bottle the Doctor was holding to his chest like it was keeping him alive, and then looked Jack straight in the eye.

"Seriously, Jack, what the hell _is_ this stuff?!"

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A/N: Woohoo! Meaningless drivel! This was pretty much my first attempt at crack, so I'm sorry if it sucked.


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